WHY WHY WHY do I look up exes?

I’m going through crap with A, and this must not be enough crap for me, because I decided to look up J – ‘Sometimes deletion is required‘ was one of my last posts about him.

All I can say is – I told you so!
He’s back with the “ex” he couldn’t stop talking about and they have a baby.

I KNEW that would happen! It sucks big fat hairy sweaty gangrenous balls to be precognitive.

Of course, if this was the Matrix, you could ask – did he go back to her because I didn’t stick with it through the hot and cold, or did I do the right thing and got out when I saw the signs?

The Soundtrack of A

This is a work in progress as the relationship develops…

Started off:
Arms – Christina Perri

Where I hoped it was going:
Congratulations – Blue October
Still falling for you – Ellie Goulding

Now?????:
It’s all your fault – Pink
Without a word – Birdy

Reason To Stay Together: In Order To Have A Back Scratcher

According to this little [non-scientific] article, back-scratchers tend to stay together longer.
This trait may not be up there with kindness and generosity, but I find it cute. I imagine if a guy didn’t say anything during an argument but just started scratching my back, I’d forget what I was mad about 😛

Just A Thought….

How is it that someone can get under your skin… touch you deeply… make you incredibly happy… so you have plans and dreams for the future… you can see the possibilities… things you have been waiting for…

and things end suddenly, without explanation, leaving you broken… with endless questions… analysing everything to figure out what you missed… and they seem unaffected… you find out that they are moving on to the next person without a second thought.

Did they not feel what you felt? Did they not dream what you dreamt? Did they not feel joy when you laughed together? How can there be such a disconnect? How could what you shared have so little impact on them… mean so little… leave so little trace?

I don’t understand….

Book Review: Women Are Crazy; Men Are Stupid

When I borrowed Manslations from the library, I picked up Women Are Crazy; Men Are Stupid by Howard J. Morris and Jenny Lee (a couple) at the same time. This book was not as good, which is why it’s taken me a little longer to read and review.

The premise of this book is that women are crazy (and irrational and hard to figure out) and men are stupid (and do stupid things and don’t think). The authors base this on their own relationship, and Jenny is indeed crazy. For example, Howard bought her flowers. Her favourites are peonies and they only have a very short season. Howard went to three different stores and could only find two (one of which had not yet bloomed). He bought them home and presented them to Jenny. Her reaction? Flipping out and expressing criticism that they weren’t better. For goodness sakes, woman! Your man went to great effort to get your favourite flowers and you don’t appreciate it. You didn’t even like the one that hadn’t bloomed (which in my opinion is a great find because you get to enjoy the flower for its whole life, rather than just as it’s dying). Sure, I get that maybe you were expecting dozens, but if your favourite flower is hard to find, you should have at least a little understanding of what that means (i.e. you may not get dozens).

Jenny just got on my nerves. She tells the story of how she bought an expensive pair of boots she couldn’t afford and then tried to think about how to fool Howard about how much she had spent. Yep, dishonesty and lack of trust is such a firm foundation for a relationship!

Basically, Jenny comes across as hyper-critical and hard-to-please. I’m a woman and I thought she was crazy. Howard comes across as a little dopey, but actually kind of sweet and not completely stupid.

To be honest, the book wasn’t interesting enough to remember much. So don’t bother with it unless you have a lot of time on your hands to read.

Now, don’t get me wrong. What I do/say can go into the “crazy”, too. I tend to over-react and over-think (as a previous post has established). Thankfully, with the right guy the “crazy” won’t be a deal-breaker. At least, I hope so.

The Two Most Essential Traits In A Relationship

According to a Business Insider article, successful relationships hinge on just two traits – kindness and generosity (including generosity with your time and emotions).

While the divorce rate may be 1 in 3, according to the article only 3 in 10 relationships are happy and healthy. That is, even if they don’t get divorced, many couples are in unhealthy relationships.
In various studies, researchers discovered that couples could be divided into two groups – masters and disasters. The masters where in healthy relationships; the disasters were not. Interestingly, the researcher found that the couples displayed different physiological states when together in the research environment.

The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast….The more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time…The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships…Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought.

In another study, the researcher found that another critical trait of successful couples was how they responded to each other. The researcher explains that one will seek a connection from their partner in what he termed a ‘bid’. How the partner responded to that ‘bid’ – either by responding and connecting, or dismissing it and turning away – was essential for long-term health. He explains:

Say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband.

**I would emphasise that it goes both ways – the husband has to “turn towards” his wife in the same way when she makes a “bid”.

Basically, masters bring a healthy habit of mind to the relationship – they are looking for things to appreciate, rather than things to criticise. Treating your partner with contempt is a death sentence to the relationship.
On the other hand, kindness and generosity of spirit acts like glue.

The article goes on to elaborate how people can demonstrate kindness and generosity and the difference between masters and disasters. The article is quite long, but well worth the read if you are looking to deeper your connection with your partner. Changing your attitude can change everything.