WHY WHY WHY do I look up exes?

I’m going through crap with A, and this must not be enough crap for me, because I decided to look up J – ‘Sometimes deletion is required‘ was one of my last posts about him.

All I can say is – I told you so!
He’s back with the “ex” he couldn’t stop talking about and they have a baby.

I KNEW that would happen! It sucks big fat hairy sweaty gangrenous balls to be precognitive.

Of course, if this was the Matrix, you could ask – did he go back to her because I didn’t stick with it through the hot and cold, or did I do the right thing and got out when I saw the signs?

Pushing People Away

This article [The Real Reasons We Push People Away] is quite interesting.

It can be very frustrating to be interested in someone who has no follow-through, whether that is from a “he’s just not into you” standpoint, or whether from being scared to start something. It’s frustrating because you can’t tell which is which.
I felt this way with J. I saw and felt SO MUCH potential with him, but he played hot and cold and I couldn’t figure out if he just wasn’t interested or what. If he just wasn’t interested, I gave him plenty of opportunities to say so and leave, but every time he assured me he was. And then nothing.

I don’t think I’ve ever pushed someone away because I was scared. Well, no, I sort of did with T (not sure if I’ve talked about him). Basically, I was scared of getting in too deep with him, because I was in love and I wasn’t sure if he was and I needed to protect myself. As I referred to in this post, I wasn’t sure I could trust T with my heart, so I did push away a little to see if he would pull me back.

He didn’t.

I’m looking for someone with follow-through and throw-down.

Where is he?

Sometimes Deletion Is Required

I may have jumped the gun and been a little too optimistic in a previous post. When I wrote about The Soundtrack of J, I said I was free of the tunnel of crap, but the reality of not being free of it all was made abundantly clear tonight.

I was, until a few minutes ago, still friends with him on Facebook, and we’ve exchanged a couple of messages since our last awkward conversation. The hopeful romantic in me just couldn’t let me burn the bridge by cutting him out of my life. So what I get for that is a little jolt of electricity going from my heart to my gut when I see that his ex has tagged a picture of herself and J dressed up to go to a party (as you may know, when someone tags you in a picture, the picture appears on your wall, which then shows up in your friends’ news feeds).

You may recall that in my Rollercoaster with J, his ex was a bit of an issue for me, even though from everything he said there was no chance that the reasons they broke up would change. But it seemed like they still saw each other at least semi regularly, and she ‘liked’ and commented on his Facebook frequently. Yes, they may be that rare breed of ex that can maintain a platonic friendship after breaking up, but the cynic in me, the doubts, will not be appeased.

And when I saw the picture of them, I realised that while I may have moved on, and I long ago stopped believing there would ever be anything between us, there is something in me that still reacts to him.

So I decided to go the self-preservation route, feeding the jaded cynic rather than the hopeful romantic. It took a deep breath, but I have deleted him from my Facebook so that I will never again be casually scrolling through my Facebook homepage and be confronted by the image of someone I had strong (and complicated) feelings for looking so happy with his ex on his arm.

**Edit**

The day after writing the above, and after a month of not hearing from him, J sent me a message today asking me how I am and what I’m doing. I replied, but of course nothing has come of it. A very weird coincidence of timing, and a reminder that I’m looking for someone with follow-up and throw-down.

The Soundtrack of M

Continuing on the relationship soundtrack theme, the Narcissist I was sort-of-not-really-seeing about a year before J, inspired a soundtrack, too. He was so good at lying that even though he set off a few alarm bells, I believed him.

We’d established that there was mutual interest but he was ‘too busy’ to be in a relationship (he travelled a lot for work). Before one trip, I asked him if he was seeing anyone else and he shook his hand at me and said “until I see you again, this is all I have”. A few days later, his girlfriend tagged him on Facebook in pictures of them spooning on her bed with the caption ‘my love’.

I’ll tell the full story of that another day – it’s a long one.  In the meantime, here’s the Soundtrack of M.

Right about now he’s probably slow-dancing with a bleach-blonde tramp, and she’s probably getting frisky. Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood.

Dear narcissus boy, I know you’ve never really apologised for anything, I know you’ve never really taken responsibility… You’ve never been with anyone who doesn’t take your shit, you’ve never been with anyone who dared to call you on it, (I wonder how you’d be if someone were to call you on it). Narcissus – Alanis Morissette. (as it happened, I did call him on it. I’ll tell you that story another time.)

You know how much you want him, you’re tryin’ to be cool about it, you’re tryin’ to be big about it… But he’s just another girl-addict, and if you give it away, you gotta be crazy. Beware of the Dog – Jamelia.

Tell me where, where did you get the nerve to even think that you could play me wrong…. You tried to deny all your actions, for once be a real man, at least give me the proper respect of the truth (I already know you did it). You Thought Wrong – Kelly Clarkson.

You shoot me down, but I won’t fall. Titanium – David Guetta.

You blocked me on Facebook, and now you’re going to die. Internet Friends – Knife Party.

She’s an actress… better known for the things she does on the mattress. Better than Revenge – Taylor Swift.

You say one thing, do another, and argue that’s not what you did. Straightjacket – Alanis Morrisette.

Single he told me? Single, my arse! Cellblock Tango – Chicago (movie cast).

The Soundtrack of J

So, I’ve told you about my rollercoaster with J. I’m happy to report that I think I am through that tunnel of crap and while I’m not completely free of it all, I’ve stepped into the light at the other side.

I’ve found that certain songs struck a cord through the rollercoaster ride, though, and they continue to remind me of J.

This is what my roller-coaster with J sounded like.

If I could read your mind, I hope I’d find the same love I have in mine. Read Your Mind – Vonda Shepard.

You came around and you knocked me down from the start… I hope that you see right through my walls. I hope that you catch me, ‘cos I’m already falling. Arms – Christina Perri.

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight, just a touch of the fire burning so bright. I don’t want to mess this thing up, I don’t want to push too far… Just a Kiss – Lady Antebellum. (This is probably one of the main songs that I can’t listen to without being reminded of one of the really good times with J. Listening to it hurts).

So here’s where the problem starts: You’re shitting on my heart. Heartbreak Down – Pink.

Here I am, waiting for a sign. I never seem to know if you want me in your life… ’cause you blow hot and you blow cold…. Should I stay? Should I go? Can you now find the right words to say that maybe I’m getting in your way. Should I Stay – Gabrielle.

Just a second we’re not broken, just bent. Just Give Me a Reason – Pink.

Wasted too much time, should have seen the signs, now I know just what went wrong – I guess I wanted you more, and looking back, now, I’m sure. Wanted You More – Lady Antebellum.

Now I’m waiting for a text, call, whatever. What’s gotten into me, besides you? You’re like a rush, you’re like a drug it’s just the sight of you… And you weaken me, what’s the Lord think of me, for being so f*ing weak, I find it hard for me to breathe. Heartbreak Down – Pink.

Wish I didn’t have this heart, then I wouldn’t know the sting of this pain. Cold as Stone – Lady Antebellum.

The only way out is through. Out is Through – Alanis Morissette.

I’ll believe you when everything you say don’t turn out wrong. I’ll Believe You When – Matchbox 20.

There might have been a time when I would let you slip away… Just don’t give up, I’m working it out. Please don’t give in, I won’t let you down. He messed me up, need a second to breathe, just keep coming around. Whataya Want From Me – Pink.

You can express your deepest of truths, even if it means I’ll lose you, and I’ll hear it. You Owe Me Nothing in Return – Alanis Morissette.

 

What are some songs that continue to remind you of a particular relationship?

The Only Way Out Is Through

My latest interest is (or at least he was an interest, and in a big way) one of the most confusing men I’ve ever been involved with. I’ve been seeing him for about 6 months… And by ‘seeing’, I mean meeting him (let’s call him “J“) for coffee once a month or so, but messaging with varying frequency (ranging from every day to nothing for weeks at a time).

When I first met him, I was instantly interested and attracted. After a few weeks of messages, though, he hadn’t asked me out again, so I sent him a message saying, “It was nice to meet you, but I’m getting the feeling you aren’t interested. Good luck with everything.” He came back with, “No, I am interested. Let’s have coffee.”

So we did. And it was good. (He kissed me goodbye).

After a few more weeks of messaging (and also being ignored) I was again about to give up on him, but he came back and we met for coffee again. It was honestly one of the best dates I’ve had, and in a movie it would have been THE launch pad for something incredible.

But my life is not a movie, and this time there was more ignoring between the messages, and a longer time before we saw each other again.

A really BIG (as in, MASSIVELY HUMUNGOUS) issue was that he managed to bring up his ex EVERY SINGLE TIME we’d caught up. It may have only been one or two sentences in hours of talking, but it had the effect of be putting a couple of bricks back in place in the walls I have up to stop me falling for someone. Even though he’d assured me it was over, I couldn’t shake the doubts.

Across the coffees and texts, it’s been a roller-coaster of hot and cold; flirting, kissing, cuddling, laughter, jokes, light-hearted and serious talking, revealing little pieces of ourselves. And messages being ignored, misunderstandings, and (on my part) hurt and tears. I would come to the conclusion that he wasn’t interested, I’d make moves to leave and he wouldn’t take the out; he made efforts to keep me. I would feel that rare connection of pure chemistry, fantasise and dream, and have hope for us. I’d remember that he continued to make no moves to actually date me (even after one of those ‘near-perfect’ dates that are the springboard for something incredible), and I’d want to give up. We’d flirt and meet up again and I’d see so much potential for us. He’d ignore me and I’d realise it wasn’t working.

A roller-coaster.

During the up times, when I’d open up,  I would start tearing down my walls.  During the down times, I became wary of being hurt and built the walls back up.  It was emotionally exhausting.

The last time he ignored me basically destroyed all the good. I spent two weeks crying on friends’ shoulders, two weeks imagining his face on the focus pads in my boxing class, and three weeks trying to cultivate ambivalence. I didn’t think he was an actual asshole, but there were obviously some serious barriers to us getting together. And believe me, I’d wanted to get together since I first met him. But since he’d blown hot and cold, I was always second-guessing how to relate to him; it didn’t exactly inspire me to try to seduce him.  I wasn’t certain if he was interested, or even attracted, but he kept coming back, so he had to be interested (right?).

We met for coffee again on the weekend about a month ago. It was one of the most difficult conversations I’ve ever had. To his credit, I believe he was as open and honest as he could be. Most guys wouldn’t even have wanted to show up to “TALK” with a girl he knows he’s hurt; they’d just put it in the “too hard” basket, write her off, and move on.

So, where to from here? Honestly, I don’t know. All I know is I’m in a shitty place I don’t want to be. I’ve got to get out of this horrible feeling that all the hope I’ve held on to over the last few months has been for naught. It feels horrible to know you’ve wasted months on someone who doesn’t care and doesn’t deserve the hope.

I’ve been on an Alanis Morissette kick lately, and just before I met J for the “talk”, came across her song Out is Through from the album So-Called Chaos. How I missed this song before I don’t know, but as sometimes happens, things only speak to you when you need them.

The chorus says

The only way out is through
The faster we’re in the better
The only way out is through, ultimately.

Basically, it’s about how when a relationship gets hard, something easier looks more attractive. However, you need to work through hurt to get out of it. A bit like going through a tunnel to emerge into the sunshine on the other side.

The line “My tendency to want to do away feels natural” is me to a T. After more than a decade of hurts, I have a finely tuned instinct to run before the hurt I see on the horizon gets me. In this case, since J didn’t let me go when I tried to run (twice), the hurt got me. Curiously, after I am hurt, I don’t run. For better or worse, I tend to want to confront it and pick it apart.

Then there’s the line “We could just call it quits, only to start all over again with someone else.” Uh huh. Tell me you don’t know what it feels like to have history repeat itself. How many times have you felt that life is taking more than one situation to teach you a certain lesson?

The last verse says

Every time I dream of ‘quick fix’ I’m assuaged.
Now I know it’s hard when it’s through
And I’m damned if I don’t know ‘quick fix’ way
But formerly mistreat me silence now outdated.

My tendency to want to run feels unnatural now.

There is no ‘quick fix’ to my situation. Is J’s “mistreat me silence” now outdated? I have no answer to that. Even if we were to give it a second shot, I’d be on my guard. Which will kill anything, anyway… It’s a vicious circle that only trust can cure.

I don’t know how quickly I will get through this, because it hurts to know that someone didn’t feel for you what you thought they did. It hurts when someone doesn’t seem to want what you have to offer. It hurts when the timing just seems all wrong, and you can torture yourself with the “what ifs”. Ultimately, that’s not worth it, or even helpful.

While in the song it seems that two people are working through their difficulties together, that does not appear to be what fate has in store for J and I. Our conversation might have started the journey through the tunnel to the other side, but we will probably be emerging alone.

I’m cynical…
But hopeful…
But my hope in this situation is as fragile as a snowflake on the tip of your tongue. Going… Going….