WHY WHY WHY do I look up exes?

I’m going through crap with A, and this must not be enough crap for me, because I decided to look up J – ‘Sometimes deletion is required‘ was one of my last posts about him.

All I can say is – I told you so!
He’s back with the “ex” he couldn’t stop talking about and they have a baby.

I KNEW that would happen! It sucks big fat hairy sweaty gangrenous balls to be precognitive.

Of course, if this was the Matrix, you could ask – did he go back to her because I didn’t stick with it through the hot and cold, or did I do the right thing and got out when I saw the signs?

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Why I Hide On New Year’s Eve

A fair few years ago, I realised that New Year’s Eve is not my friend.

On Christmas Eve, the man I was in love with told me he’d cheated and then on New Year’s Eve, he told me that he wasn’t interested in seeing me again (as he was interested in seeing this other girl).

Since then, I’ve actually, sincerely enjoyed spending NYE on my own. I rent movies, drink a lot of alcohol and go to bed whenever the hell I want.

This year, I’m doing the same thing, but made the mistake of checking my online dating account, only to see that a guy I’ve been chatting to for a month or so has deleted me. I put it down to me telling him not to call me “miss”.

In his last message, he wrote, “What did you get for Christmas, miss?” (minus the punctuation).

I replied, naming two things I’d received, and then added that I’d appreciate it if he didn’t call me ‘miss’. I didn’t say this, but IMO, ‘Miss’ is what you say when you are 7 and have forgotten the name of your teacher, or what you say to a complete stranger (“Excuse me, miss, you dropped your purse”), or if you are a child-star in a Dickensian play. Or it’s what you say when you are an adult patronising another adult you are acquainted with. Whatever, it rubs me the wrong way and I find it a complete turn-off.

He obviously didn’t appreciate me giving him information about what turns me off, and deleted me.

I guess it’s good riddance, since turn ons/offs is something I’d like to think a potential partner would be interested in. If he said, “I’d rather you didn’t call me ‘[insert any name or title]’,” I hope I’d be open enough to take that on board.

It still sucks to be rejected on NYE.

Bitch FM – Music To Get Over That Asshole

After bawling your eyes out to Sad FM, you are now ready for Bitch FM.

When you get over the initial knife-to-the-heart feeling and reality starts to set back in, Bitch FM is there for you to regain your power. We will not be defeated by bad men and stick insects (of whatever nationality).

So, in no particular order (although my favourites are closer to the top), I give you Bitch FM.

Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood

Bitch – Stephen Lynch

Narcissus – Alanis Morissette

Beware Of The Dog – Jamelia

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar

What About Me – Cascada

U + Ur Hand – P!nk

Heartbreak Down [Explicit Version] – P!nk

How Come You’re Not Here? – P!nk

Blow me (one last kiss) – P!nk

F*ckin Perfect – P!nk

Titanium – David Guetta (feat. Sia)

Bulletproof – La Roux

Fighter – Christina Aguilera

Bust Your Windows – Glee Cast

Survivor / I Will Survive – Glee Cast

Gives You Hell – Glee Cast

Shake It Out – Florence + The Machine

I’m Not Calling You A Liar – Florence + The Machine

Outta My Head – Leona Lewis

Holding Out For A Hero – (I like the Shrek version with Jennifer Saunders)

You Thought Wrong – Kelly Clarkson (feat. Tamyra Gray)

Poison – Alice Cooper

Lying – Amy Meredith

Karma (Reggaeton Remix) – Alicia Keys

Straitjacket – Alanis Morissette

Right Through You – Alanis Morissette

Precious Illusions – Alanis Morissette

Give a little respect – Erasure

Respect – Aretha Franklin

Think – Aretha Franklin

Irreplaceable – Beyoncé

Best Thing I Never Had – Beyoncé

Single Ladies – Beyoncé

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

I’m Not Missing You – Stacie Orrico

Song For the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

When The Going Gets Tough – Billy Ocean

You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

It ‘s My Life – Bon Jovi

Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift

Life’s A Bitch – Shooter

Go to Hell – Milk Inc

Bitch – Meredith Brooks

I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan

Independent Women – Destiny’s Child

Hunter – Dido

According To You – Orianthi

This Is Who I Am – Vanessa Amorosi

Predictable – Delta Goodrem

F.U. Right Back (Explicit) – Frankee

Hot N Cold (Jason Nevins Remix) – Katy Perry

Chewing Gum – Annie

B.I.T.C.H – Jamelia

Story Time!

A blog I follow asked for bad date stories and after going through my archives, I realised I haven’t posted a story I pull out whenever I want to give new friends a laugh (and make them thank God they are not single). So, here is the story of Car Guy, which happened fairly early on in my online-dating experiences.

I had been chatting to Car Guy [obviously not his name, but go with me here] for a few days when we agreed to meet. We’d been chatting pretty much every day and conversation flowed easily. He decided to take me to a comedy club in the city, meeting for coffee first.

I dressed up, looking forward to the night, and got there a few minutes early, sitting outside the designated coffee shop. As he walked past, he looked at me, paused, and said in questioning greeting, “Amy?”

“Car Guy! Hi!” I stood, we pecked cheeks, and he joined me at my table.

After a bit of initial conversation, he asked, “One of the guys at the club tonight is on Triple J. Do you listen to Triple J much?”

“Not really,” I replied. “I usually only listen to radio in the car, and my last car didn’t have a working radio. I actually just upgraded on Tuesday!” We had already discussed my new (second-hand) car in an online conversation.

“That’s right,” he said. “I remember you saying you were doing that this week. What kind of car did you get?”

I told him, and he asked more questions. O.K., so he wanted to talk cars. I could do that.

It went downhill from the moment he asked, “What was the first car you ever had?”

Well! My first car was quite a few years ago, before the non-radio car, and as I’ve never been one to know makes and models off the top of my head, I had to think about it for a second.

“Uhh…” I said as I thought. I was about to say, “I can’t remember,” when it came to me, and I told him. “It was an ’81 model, I think,” I added. “Something fairly old.”

I will never forget what he did next.

He leaned back in his chair, and crossed his arms and legs. A blind person would have been able to pick up on his body language, and I was instantly suspicious about what he might say.

He said, “I think you are lying.”

Yep, that was my response, too: “What?!”

“I don’t think you are telling me the truth.”

“What?” It was all I could say. My brain was frozen. It had hit a brick wall and was working furiously, mentally replaying the conversation and cycling through all the possibilities of what was going on. Was it a joke? Candid camera? Was he giving me some sort of bizarre humour test? Did I inadvertently give off ‘lying’ signals?… I was coming up blank on all counts.

“I don’t think this is going to work,” he continued.

Pause. Split-second thinking. The brick wall wasn’t budging.

“O.K.,” I replied airily. A bit in shock, but in control enough to decide not to waste my time on the loser, I picked up my bag and walked off, not looking back.

I got around the corner before the nerves collapsed in the shape of salty tears – I’ll say it was the after-effects of shock 😛 . I messaged a friend, who thankfully was home, and after a few hours, wine, a cup of tea, and some chocolate, I was able to laugh it off.

I still see him online (using the same photo) every now and then. I chuckle every time.

It’s Really Not My Night….

No sooner have I hit “publish” on my previous post than it happens again.

pixpls

This is the line in my profile where I apparently “demand” pictures.

pictures

It’s obviously not my night. Please tell me why it’s such a big deal that someone doesn’t answer for all of 15 minutes (ok, maybe 25, since I was shaving a month of growth off my legs ready for the hot weather tomorrow). How is that “playing games”?!?!  Sure, I responded to his comment about Charles and Camilla (is that important to him ?!?!) jotted in 5 seconds before I went offline, but “pix of you” out of nowhere is not going to get a response, please or no please.

And he spelt “semantics” wrong.

(At then end of an actual conversation, “I have really enjoyed chatting to you. Can I see your pictures, please?” would likely have worked).

I think I’ll give up for tonight, unless you think I can go three for three 😛 😉

Fastest way to make me lose interest…..

One of my pet peeves when online dating is when you are asked for a pic right off the bat. On one site I’m on, my pictures are set to private so I ‘open’ them only to specific contacts. My previous modus operandi when someone asked to see my pics within the first few lines of introductory conversation was to shrug and do it. Then I changed tactics and preferred to chat a little first, especially if someone hadn’t written much on their profile. I don’t really know which works better – I’ve had people delete me right away trying both tactics, so I now go with my gut on a case-by-case basis and when in doubt try to chat first. I’m looking for something deeper than looks (and for someone who is also looking deeper than looks), after all, and while physical attraction is a must, it can develop with time.

mm1Take this guy. His profile was well-written and reasonably interesting, and although I wasn’t attracted to his pic, I accepted his request. He seemed to have a little more depth than some people you find online, but that impression ended up being a touch incorrect. This was the end of our conversation (there was only about 5 or 6 lines above this. Names and most of his face cropped for privacy. And sorry for my poor screenshot alignment…).

The ‘busty’ comment refers to one line I have in my profile (which I wrote some time ago, so it took me a moment to make the connection) which says something along the lines of ‘If you like girls who have double D boobs and wear make-up 20 hours a day, I’m not the one for you’. I wasn’t sure whether he was kidding about being ‘dumped’ or not, but it sure wasn’t endearing.

I am perfectly comfortable with who I am and what I look like (no Kate Moss, but I can turn heads on occasion) and have no issues with the fact that I won’t be everyone’s ‘type’. My theory is that it’s better to weed out who you can as early as possible when online dating. If someone is hung up on big boobs, I don’t want them wasting my time.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that someone will actually read your profile before sending you a contact request…

So, what’s your theory? Unlock pics when asked or chat first?

Ghosting

The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.

“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.

The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.

Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.

From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.

I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.

How about you?