WHY WHY WHY do I look up exes?

I’m going through crap with A, and this must not be enough crap for me, because I decided to look up J – ‘Sometimes deletion is required‘ was one of my last posts about him.

All I can say is – I told you so!
He’s back with the “ex” he couldn’t stop talking about and they have a baby.

I KNEW that would happen! It sucks big fat hairy sweaty gangrenous balls to be precognitive.

Of course, if this was the Matrix, you could ask – did he go back to her because I didn’t stick with it through the hot and cold, or did I do the right thing and got out when I saw the signs?

Ghosting

The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.

“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.

The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.

Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.

From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.

I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.

How about you?

SadFM – Music For A Broken Heart

Music is incredible. It has the power to evoke emotions, amplify them, or even change them.

Sometimes when you’ve had your heart ripped out, all you want to do is sob the pain into your pillow until your face hurts (you should only do this if you don’t need to go anywhere the next day; the puffy-cry-face look isn’t easy to cover up). The up-side of this is that it can be easier to move on once you bawl it out.

So here is my UBER SadFM playlist.

I will be adding to it as I go through my iTunes and find new songs, but feel free to make any suggestions. In no particular order, I’ll give you my top 25 songs, and then a whole bunch of others, especially by artists that appear in my top 25 (and, yes, I have repeated the 25 in the big list). I’ve tried to pick a range of genres and eras.

Note: When you are not in the cry-yourself-to-sleep-in-a-self-pitying-ball mood, some of these songs won’t be nearly as powerful.

If you are feeling really low, this playlist should be used with care. Don’t dig yourself deeper. Head over to my BitchFM playlist (to be posted in the near future).

~~

TOP 25
1. Not As We – Alanis Morissette
2. Wanted You More – Lady Antebellum
3. Farewell – Rosie Thomas
4. Another lonely day – Ben Harper / Pearl Jam acoustic
5. Over you – Gabrielle
6. Collide – Howie Day
7. Don’t forget me – Way Out West
8. I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt
9. What Hurts the Most – Cascada (Yanou’s candlelight remix) / Rascal Flatts
10. Sad Song – Taylor Swift
11. Jar of hearts – Christina Perri
12. I Don’t Believe You – Pink
13. Stay – Michelle Featherstone
14. Heartless – Sally Chatfield
15. Have You Ever? – Brandy
16. Forgive me – Evanescence
17. Get it right – Glee cast
18. My skin – Natalie Merchant
19. Rain – Patty Griffin
20. Nobody Knows – Babyface / Tony Rich Project
21. Stupid – Sarah McLachlan
22. Alive – Leona Lewis
23. I Can’t Break It To My Heart – Delta Goodrem
24. All Good Things (Come To An End) – Nellie Furtado
25. Turning Tables – Adele

Honorary mention: A Girl Crush – Little Big Town
~~

Lady Antebellum
– Cold As Stone
– Wanted You More
– As You Turn Away

Gabrielle
– If You Really Cared
– Should I Stay
– Out of Reach
– If I Walked Away
– Tell Me What You Dream
– Over You

Alanis Morissette
– Sorry To Myself
– Offer
– Simple Together
– Not As We
– Tapes
– Flinch

Taylor Swift
– White Horses
– Sad song
– Cold As You
– Breathe (feat. Colbie Caillat)
– Come In With The Rain
– You’re Not Sorry
– Back To December

Cascada (Yanou’s Candlelight Mix)
– Draw The Line
– Every Time We Touch
– What Hurts The Most

Leona Lewis
– Can’t Breathe
– My Hands
– Broken
– Naked
– Alive
– Stone Hearts and Hand Grenades (w. One Republic)
– Without You (Mariah Carey cover)

Jewel
– Foolish Games
– Near You Always
– You Were Meant For Me
– Don’t
– Deep Water
– Hands
– Down So Long
– Break Me
– Grey Matter
– Fragile Heart

Glee Cast
– Need You Now (Lady Antebellum)
– Get It Right

P!nk
– Please Don’t Leave Me
– I Don’t Believe You
– Whattaya Want From Me (also by Adam Lambert)
– Glitter in the Air (*This is more of a love song, but if you’ve had this, or almost had this, and lost it, it’ll make you cry).

Adele
– Turning Tables
– Someone Like You

Rosie Thomas
– It Don’t Matter to the Sun
– Let Myself Fall
– Gradually
– Farewell

Bonnie Raitt
– I Can’t Make You Love Me
– Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

Delta Goodrem
– I Can’t Break It To My Heart
– Lost Without You

Glen Hansard
– All The Way Down (Once soundtrack feat. Markéta Irglová)
– Lies (Once soundtrack feat. Markéta Irglová)
– Everytime (Britney Spears cover)

Knock You Down – Keri Hilson

Grenade – Bruno Mars

I Wish I Didn’t Miss You – Angie Stone

Mr. Lonely – Akon

So Sick of Love Songs – Ne-Yo

Jolene – Dolly Parton

Scratch – Kendall Payne

They Weren’t There – Missy Higgins

Unlike Me – Kate Havenvik

Wish We Never Met – Kathleen Wilhoite

All Cried Out Over You – Aaliyah

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart – Al Green

Ain’t No Sunshine – Al Jarreau / Bill Withers / Lighthouse Family

Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park

Cup Of Coffee – Garbage

Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye Feat. Kimbra

25 Minutes Too Late – Michael Learns to Rock

Light at the End of the Tunnel – Something for Kate

It Must Have Been Love – Roxette

Leanne Rhymes
– Probably Wouldn’t Be This Way
– How Do I Live (cover)

It Makes No Difference – The Band

The Scientist – Coldplay

All Out of Love – Air Supply

Scarlet – Brook Fraser

Nine Crimes – Damien Rice

Strawberry Wine – Deanna Carter

Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor

All By Myself – Jamie O’Neal

Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell

Free of Me – Joshua Radin

4 In The Morning – Gwen Stefani

The Lover After Me – Savage Garden

Broken – Seether feat. Amy Lee

Breathe Me – Sia

Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths

Apologize – One Republic

Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor

I Don’t Wanna Know – Mario Winans Ft. P. Diddy

Breathe – Melissa Etheridge

Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.

Unbreak My Heart – Toni Braxton

Unfaithful – Rihanna

Too Lost In You – Sugababes

I miss you – Sweetbox

Here Without You – Three Doors Down

Amy Winehouse
– Tears Dry On Their Own
– Back to Black

Phil Collins
– I Wish It Would Rain Down
– Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)

Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories
– Alone
– How
– Stay

Nelly
– Just A Dream
– Over And Over (Feat. Tim McGraw)

Matchbox 20
– The Difference
– Kody

James Blunt
– Goodbye My Lover
– Tears And Rain
– Cry

Brian McKnight
– Do I ever cross your mind?
– Losing you
– One Last Cry

Michelle Featherstone
– Hello, I Need You
– Coffee and Cigarettes
– Stay

Natalie Merchant
– My Skin
– Carnival

Natalie Walker
– Quicksand
– Waking Dream
– Circles

Evanescence
– My immortal
– Forgive me

Brandy
– Have You Ever?
– Almost Doesn’t Count

Alesha Dixon
– Breathe Slow (*This is actually more a love song, but can still be a tear-jerker)
– Do You Know The Way It Feels
– Can I Begin

Jason Derulo
– Blind
– Fairytale

Aimee Man
– It’s Not Gonna Stop
– You Do
– Wise Up

Backstreet Boys
– Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
– Incomplete

Just A Thought….

How is it that someone can get under your skin… touch you deeply… make you incredibly happy… so you have plans and dreams for the future… you can see the possibilities… things you have been waiting for…

and things end suddenly, without explanation, leaving you broken… with endless questions… analysing everything to figure out what you missed… and they seem unaffected… you find out that they are moving on to the next person without a second thought.

Did they not feel what you felt? Did they not dream what you dreamt? Did they not feel joy when you laughed together? How can there be such a disconnect? How could what you shared have so little impact on them… mean so little… leave so little trace?

I don’t understand….

He’s Not Worth Your Tears

I hear this a lot from well-intentioned friends – certainly it’s something of a cliche that I myself have employed. I tend to process intense emotion (especially when I’m flung between emotional extremes – I’ve even cried when I’ve been flung from sadness to happiness) through tears (don’t most women?), so any sort of heart ache goes hand in hand with crying.

It struck me tonight that my tears aren’t for him, though. They are for dashed dreams, the realisation that he didn’t feel what I thought he did, and the feeling that I’ve been a fool. They are for me. And *I* am worth my tears.

I cry for feeling like a fool.

I cry for trusting someone who maybe wasn’t worthy of it.

I cry for dreams and plans that will not come to pass.

I cry because old wounds are torn again.

I cry because someone whose presence added to my life has pulled out of it.

I cry.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I’m a big one for Gabrielle when I’m going through heart ache. Out of Reach is a classic, of course.

How many times has the first verse summed it all up perfectly? Especially that last line!

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

But a lesser-known one is Should I Stay and I really connect with the line

It seems I’ve grown attached
Though we’re not the perfect match