Here are some cartoons about dating from one of my favourite cartoons, Savage Chickens.
We all need a little giggle at this strange strange world of dating…
This is one of my favourites 🙂
The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.
“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.
The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.
Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.
From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.
I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.
How about you?
Music is incredible. It has the power to evoke emotions, amplify them, or even change them.
Sometimes when you’ve had your heart ripped out, all you want to do is sob the pain into your pillow until your face hurts (you should only do this if you don’t need to go anywhere the next day; the puffy-cry-face look isn’t easy to cover up). The up-side of this is that it can be easier to move on once you bawl it out.
So here is my UBER SadFM playlist.
I will be adding to it as I go through my iTunes and find new songs, but feel free to make any suggestions. In no particular order, I’ll give you my top 25 songs, and then a whole bunch of others, especially by artists that appear in my top 25 (and, yes, I have repeated the 25 in the big list). I’ve tried to pick a range of genres and eras.
Note: When you are not in the cry-yourself-to-sleep-in-a-self-pitying-ball mood, some of these songs won’t be nearly as powerful.
If you are feeling really low, this playlist should be used with care. Don’t dig yourself deeper. Head over to my BitchFM playlist (to be posted in the near future).
1. Not As We – Alanis Morissette
2. Wanted You More – Lady Antebellum
3. Farewell – Rosie Thomas
4. Another lonely day – Ben Harper / Pearl Jam acoustic
5. Over you – Gabrielle
6. Collide – Howie Day
7. Don’t forget me – Way Out West
8. I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bonnie Raitt
9. What Hurts the Most – Cascada (Yanou’s candlelight remix) / Rascal Flatts
10. Sad Song – Taylor Swift
11. Jar of hearts – Christina Perri
12. I Don’t Believe You – Pink
13. Stay – Michelle Featherstone
14. Heartless – Sally Chatfield
15. Have You Ever? – Brandy
16. Forgive me – Evanescence
17. Get it right – Glee cast
18. My skin – Natalie Merchant
19. Rain – Patty Griffin
20. Nobody Knows – Babyface / Tony Rich Project
21. Stupid – Sarah McLachlan
22. Alive – Leona Lewis
23. I Can’t Break It To My Heart – Delta Goodrem
24. All Good Things (Come To An End) – Nellie Furtado
25. Turning Tables – Adele
Honorary mention: A Girl Crush – Little Big Town
– Cold As Stone
– Wanted You More
– As You Turn Away
– If You Really Cared
– Should I Stay
– Out of Reach
– If I Walked Away
– Tell Me What You Dream
– Over You
– Sorry To Myself
– Simple Together
– Not As We
– White Horses
– Sad song
– Cold As You
– Breathe (feat. Colbie Caillat)
– Come In With The Rain
– You’re Not Sorry
– Back To December
Cascada (Yanou’s Candlelight Mix)
– Draw The Line
– Every Time We Touch
– What Hurts The Most
– Can’t Breathe
– My Hands
– Stone Hearts and Hand Grenades (w. One Republic)
– Without You (Mariah Carey cover)
– Foolish Games
– Near You Always
– You Were Meant For Me
– Deep Water
– Down So Long
– Break Me
– Grey Matter
– Fragile Heart
– Need You Now (Lady Antebellum)
– Get It Right
– Please Don’t Leave Me
– I Don’t Believe You
– Whattaya Want From Me (also by Adam Lambert)
– Glitter in the Air (*This is more of a love song, but if you’ve had this, or almost had this, and lost it, it’ll make you cry).
– Turning Tables
– Someone Like You
– It Don’t Matter to the Sun
– Let Myself Fall
– I Can’t Make You Love Me
– Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
– I Can’t Break It To My Heart
– Lost Without You
– All The Way Down (Once soundtrack feat. Markéta Irglová)
– Lies (Once soundtrack feat. Markéta Irglová)
– Everytime (Britney Spears cover)
Knock You Down – Keri Hilson
Grenade – Bruno Mars
I Wish I Didn’t Miss You – Angie Stone
Mr. Lonely – Akon
So Sick of Love Songs – Ne-Yo
Jolene – Dolly Parton
Scratch – Kendall Payne
They Weren’t There – Missy Higgins
Unlike Me – Kate Havenvik
Wish We Never Met – Kathleen Wilhoite
All Cried Out Over You – Aaliyah
How Can You Mend A Broken Heart – Al Green
Ain’t No Sunshine – Al Jarreau / Bill Withers / Lighthouse Family
Leave Out All The Rest – Linkin Park
Cup Of Coffee – Garbage
Somebody That I Used To Know – Gotye Feat. Kimbra
25 Minutes Too Late – Michael Learns to Rock
Light at the End of the Tunnel – Something for Kate
It Must Have Been Love – Roxette
– Probably Wouldn’t Be This Way
– How Do I Live (cover)
It Makes No Difference – The Band
The Scientist – Coldplay
All Out of Love – Air Supply
Scarlet – Brook Fraser
Nine Crimes – Damien Rice
Strawberry Wine – Deanna Carter
Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor
All By Myself – Jamie O’Neal
Both Sides Now – Joni Mitchell
Free of Me – Joshua Radin
4 In The Morning – Gwen Stefani
The Lover After Me – Savage Garden
Broken – Seether feat. Amy Lee
Breathe Me – Sia
Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want – The Smiths
Apologize – One Republic
Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor
I Don’t Wanna Know – Mario Winans Ft. P. Diddy
Breathe – Melissa Etheridge
Everybody Hurts – R.E.M.
Unbreak My Heart – Toni Braxton
Unfaithful – Rihanna
Too Lost In You – Sugababes
I miss you – Sweetbox
Here Without You – Three Doors Down
– Tears Dry On Their Own
– Back to Black
– I Wish It Would Rain Down
– Against All Odds (Take a Look at Me Now)
Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories
– Just A Dream
– Over And Over (Feat. Tim McGraw)
– The Difference
– Goodbye My Lover
– Tears And Rain
– Do I ever cross your mind?
– Losing you
– One Last Cry
– Hello, I Need You
– Coffee and Cigarettes
– My Skin
– Waking Dream
– My immortal
– Forgive me
– Have You Ever?
– Almost Doesn’t Count
– Breathe Slow (*This is actually more a love song, but can still be a tear-jerker)
– Do You Know The Way It Feels
– Can I Begin
– It’s Not Gonna Stop
– You Do
– Wise Up
– Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
How is it that someone can get under your skin… touch you deeply… make you incredibly happy… so you have plans and dreams for the future… you can see the possibilities… things you have been waiting for…
and things end suddenly, without explanation, leaving you broken… with endless questions… analysing everything to figure out what you missed… and they seem unaffected… you find out that they are moving on to the next person without a second thought.
Did they not feel what you felt? Did they not dream what you dreamt? Did they not feel joy when you laughed together? How can there be such a disconnect? How could what you shared have so little impact on them… mean so little… leave so little trace?
I don’t understand….
My last post was aptly about crazy women and stupid men. And guess where I find myself?
The guy I’ve been seeing – let’s call him “D” – is stupid and I’m crazy. Things were going brilliantly, and then all of a sudden he completely shut me out and is not talking. Talk about driving someone crazy. Being an over-thinker, I’ve gone through all the bad scenarios.
– He’s seeing someone else.
– He lied about being single in the first place.
– I did something to put him off and have no idea what or why. (Hey, if he is going to run instead of talking about whatever offended him when I put my foot in it, then we were never going to work).
– It’s nothing I did, but he’s reacting to other extenuating circumstances in his life by shutting me out.
– He needed an ego boost and just played me. (Asshole).
– A friend said something negative to him about me. (If this is the case, his feelings for me are obviously not very concrete).
– He’s just over me but doesn’t have the guts to be honest and end things properly.
– I was just a “fill-in” while he made sure he had someone else lined up.
– The last girl he was seeing is back on the scene.
– She showed up to say she was pregnant.
– He’s met someone else (yep, that’s pretty much what it keeps coming back to).
I think we are breaking up. I’m so hurt and confused. I don’t even know if there is a reason to be hurt and confused, but his backflip (going from being happy to see me and bringing me dinner when I had to work late to not talking and acting distant) in just one week is not a good sign and it’s making me crazy. My emotions feel shredded. It’s like we were cruising along nicely together and he’s just pushed me out of the car with no warning.
Men are stupid and I’m crazy.
According to a Business Insider article, successful relationships hinge on just two traits – kindness and generosity (including generosity with your time and emotions).
While the divorce rate may be 1 in 3, according to the article only 3 in 10 relationships are happy and healthy. That is, even if they don’t get divorced, many couples are in unhealthy relationships.
In various studies, researchers discovered that couples could be divided into two groups – masters and disasters. The masters where in healthy relationships; the disasters were not. Interestingly, the researcher found that the couples displayed different physiological states when together in the research environment.
The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast….The more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time…The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships…Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.
The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought.
In another study, the researcher found that another critical trait of successful couples was how they responded to each other. The researcher explains that one will seek a connection from their partner in what he termed a ‘bid’. How the partner responded to that ‘bid’ – either by responding and connecting, or dismissing it and turning away – was essential for long-term health. He explains:
Say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband.
**I would emphasise that it goes both ways – the husband has to “turn towards” his wife in the same way when she makes a “bid”.
Basically, masters bring a healthy habit of mind to the relationship – they are looking for things to appreciate, rather than things to criticise. Treating your partner with contempt is a death sentence to the relationship.
On the other hand, kindness and generosity of spirit acts like glue.
The article goes on to elaborate how people can demonstrate kindness and generosity and the difference between masters and disasters. The article is quite long, but well worth the read if you are looking to deeper your connection with your partner. Changing your attitude can change everything.
On the weekend, just for fun, I picked up one of those “relationship” books at the library (why would I spend good money on these books when I can borrow them for free?).
This book, Manslations by Jeff Mac was actually kind of funny. Very easy to read with some good tips and insights. Personally, I don’t like generalisations, and this book basically boiled all men down to a few dot points. I may be wrong, but I believe human beings, including men, are a little more complicated and nuanced than that. Still, I’ll take the information on board and accept that Jeff probably knows a bit more about the male mind than I do (as he is male and has such a mind and I am not and do not). Some of the information I already knew, and some was new.
One section in particular caught my attention.
On page 179, Jeff explains about the Anger Smokescreen, and I immediately thought of M (read his story here). Jeff tells a story of a woman who caught her man cheating and when she confronted him, he started getting angry at her. Jeff writes:
You catch him doing something wrong; you have all the evidence; and yet he flips out as if you’re the one being outrageous. He’s banking on you not being confident enough to defend your point in the face of furious anger.
See? EXACTLY like M when I confronted him. I did not continue to engage him with the anger, so no doubt in M’s mind he ‘beat’ me in that argument, but who gives a shit? I let it go because I saw him for what he was and knew he wasn’t worth another word – he would never have admitted wrong and no doubt would only have continued to try to make ME feel bad for what HE did. Arse.
If you are single and baffled by male behaviour, I do recommend this book. It reiterates points in other books like He’s Just Not Into You, but give it a shot, anyway. Let me know if any part stood out for you.