It Hurts Just A Little

DeletedWhen you log on to your dating site and see a contact has deleted you, reactions may range from “Oh NO!!! :*( ” to “Oh 😦 ” to “Meh, no loss” to even “Thank goodness. I was just about to do that”.
It depends on the contact. When I saw D had deleted me, it was an “Oh 😦 ” with a feeling like a little dart to the heart. Sure, it’s not like we were going to get back together, and I’ve been chatting to other guys, but it often hurts just a little when you log on to see an icon has faded.
[image: the outline icon second from the top – deleted. Solid grey icons – contact is offline. Orange icon – contact is online]

Ghosting

The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.

“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.

The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.

Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.

From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.

I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.

How about you?

Just A Thought….

How is it that someone can get under your skin… touch you deeply… make you incredibly happy… so you have plans and dreams for the future… you can see the possibilities… things you have been waiting for…

and things end suddenly, without explanation, leaving you broken… with endless questions… analysing everything to figure out what you missed… and they seem unaffected… you find out that they are moving on to the next person without a second thought.

Did they not feel what you felt? Did they not dream what you dreamt? Did they not feel joy when you laughed together? How can there be such a disconnect? How could what you shared have so little impact on them… mean so little… leave so little trace?

I don’t understand….

He’s Not Worth Your Tears

I hear this a lot from well-intentioned friends – certainly it’s something of a cliche that I myself have employed. I tend to process intense emotion (especially when I’m flung between emotional extremes – I’ve even cried when I’ve been flung from sadness to happiness) through tears (don’t most women?), so any sort of heart ache goes hand in hand with crying.

It struck me tonight that my tears aren’t for him, though. They are for dashed dreams, the realisation that he didn’t feel what I thought he did, and the feeling that I’ve been a fool. They are for me. And *I* am worth my tears.

I cry for feeling like a fool.

I cry for trusting someone who maybe wasn’t worthy of it.

I cry for dreams and plans that will not come to pass.

I cry because old wounds are torn again.

I cry because someone whose presence added to my life has pulled out of it.

I cry.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

I’m a big one for Gabrielle when I’m going through heart ache. Out of Reach is a classic, of course.

How many times has the first verse summed it all up perfectly? Especially that last line!

Knew the signs
Wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away by you
And now I feel like a fool
So confused,
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?

But a lesser-known one is Should I Stay and I really connect with the line

It seems I’ve grown attached
Though we’re not the perfect match

Men Are Stupid And I’m Crazy

My last post was aptly about crazy women and stupid men. And guess where I find myself?

The guy I’ve been seeing – let’s call him “D” – is stupid and I’m crazy. Things were going brilliantly, and then all of a sudden he completely shut me out and is not talking. Talk about driving someone crazy. Being an over-thinker, I’ve gone through all the bad scenarios.

– He’s seeing someone else.
– He lied about being single in the first place.
– I did something to put him off and have no idea what or why. (Hey, if he is going to run instead of talking about whatever offended him when I put my foot in it, then we were never going to work).
– It’s nothing I did, but he’s reacting to other extenuating circumstances in his life by shutting me out.
– He needed an ego boost and just played me. (Asshole).
– A friend said something negative to him about me. (If this is the case, his feelings for me are obviously not very concrete).
– He’s just over me but doesn’t have the guts to be honest and end things properly.
– I was just a “fill-in” while he made sure he had someone else lined up.
– The last girl he was seeing is back on the scene.
– She showed up to say she was pregnant.
– He’s met someone else (yep, that’s pretty much what it keeps coming back to).

I think we are breaking up. I’m so hurt and confused. I don’t even know if there is a reason to be hurt and confused, but his backflip (going from being happy to see me and bringing me dinner when I had to work late to not talking and acting distant) in just one week is not a good sign and it’s making me crazy. My emotions feel shredded. It’s like we were cruising along nicely together and he’s just pushed me out of the car with no warning.

Men are stupid and I’m crazy.