It’s Really Not My Night….

No sooner have I hit “publish” on my previous post than it happens again.

pixpls

This is the line in my profile where I apparently “demand” pictures.

pictures

It’s obviously not my night. Please tell me why it’s such a big deal that someone doesn’t answer for all of 15 minutes (ok, maybe 25, since I was shaving a month of growth off my legs ready for the hot weather tomorrow). How is that “playing games”?!?!  Sure, I responded to his comment about Charles and Camilla (is that important to him ?!?!) jotted in 5 seconds before I went offline, but “pix of you” out of nowhere is not going to get a response, please or no please.

And he spelt “semantics” wrong.

(At then end of an actual conversation, “I have really enjoyed chatting to you. Can I see your pictures, please?” would likely have worked).

I think I’ll give up for tonight, unless you think I can go three for three 😛 😉

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Fastest way to make me lose interest…..

One of my pet peeves when online dating is when you are asked for a pic right off the bat. On one site I’m on, my pictures are set to private so I ‘open’ them only to specific contacts. My previous modus operandi when someone asked to see my pics within the first few lines of introductory conversation was to shrug and do it. Then I changed tactics and preferred to chat a little first, especially if someone hadn’t written much on their profile. I don’t really know which works better – I’ve had people delete me right away trying both tactics, so I now go with my gut on a case-by-case basis and when in doubt try to chat first. I’m looking for something deeper than looks (and for someone who is also looking deeper than looks), after all, and while physical attraction is a must, it can develop with time.

mm1Take this guy. His profile was well-written and reasonably interesting, and although I wasn’t attracted to his pic, I accepted his request. He seemed to have a little more depth than some people you find online, but that impression ended up being a touch incorrect. This was the end of our conversation (there was only about 5 or 6 lines above this. Names and most of his face cropped for privacy. And sorry for my poor screenshot alignment…).

The ‘busty’ comment refers to one line I have in my profile (which I wrote some time ago, so it took me a moment to make the connection) which says something along the lines of ‘If you like girls who have double D boobs and wear make-up 20 hours a day, I’m not the one for you’. I wasn’t sure whether he was kidding about being ‘dumped’ or not, but it sure wasn’t endearing.

I am perfectly comfortable with who I am and what I look like (no Kate Moss, but I can turn heads on occasion) and have no issues with the fact that I won’t be everyone’s ‘type’. My theory is that it’s better to weed out who you can as early as possible when online dating. If someone is hung up on big boobs, I don’t want them wasting my time.
Of course, there’s no guarantee that someone will actually read your profile before sending you a contact request…

So, what’s your theory? Unlock pics when asked or chat first?

BAM! Deleted.

This is a conversation I just had online, from the moment I accepted his contact request up to the moment of deletion. (To give you some context, I mention my star sign in my profile and list my eye colour as ‘other’. According to his profile, he’s an artist and had some of his pencil work as pics on his profile).

~~~

[Contact request from SG accepted]

Me: Great drawings!

Him: omg how long is your profile
let me read it properly

ok i remember now. One: your shoe photo made me laugh. Two: do you really think that the asterism behind the sun has when you were born pre-determined your personality? And what other colour are your eyes?

Me: one – good. 🙂 I thought it was funny, too. two – no, not really, but there are some vague correlations. The Myers-Briggs is a better indicator.
They are blue/green/grey.

SG has removed you from their contacts or deactivated their account.

~~

For fuck’s sake…. What did I say? Should I not agree that the photo was funny? Do you not agree that there are vague correlations between star signs and personality? That’s fine – give your own opinion and start a discussion. Or are you just put off that my eyes can’t be described as a single colour?

Not being a dick but… [you are being a dick]

Just when you think you’ve heard it all, dating sites throw up the unexpected. Let’s call this guy Sparky.

I only chatted with Sparky over two nights, since on the second night he showed himself to be a dick and things went down in flames. (Sparky is a fireman, but in our final conversation he was acting more like an arsonist).

So, Sparky and I actually had a bit in common, and the fireman thing is just hot 😛 (not that I was going to let him know that early on). His profile said he liked women with brains and opinions, so we were off to a good start. (Although, in my experience, men say this and don’t actually mean it). Anyway, our first night chatting was cruising along very nicely, and in our first conversation he actually said “I like chatting with you. You seem normal” (which, online, is a great compliment 😛 ).

He bought up the topic of books (my profile has “reading” as an interest), and we discussed various topics for a while, such as the appeal of Edward Cullen to teenage girls, and then moved on to the random things such as  37+ year old men wanting 20 year old girls (Sparky stating that he was “way over” the 20 year olds) and whether or not blow up dolls let you down, or you let them down.

At the end he said “I like you… you’re funny.”

Overall: a great first conversation!

He took it a step back the next night, though, opening with “How was your day, sweetie? Have the other kids stopped bullying you?”

I’m sorry, what?!? First of all, I hate pet names from relative strangers – it’s an instant turn off and just sounds fake. Second of all, did he think I was an 8 year old coming home from school?

A simple, “Hi, how was your day?” would have been 2000% better. I knew he was only trying to tease, though, so I let it go, basically ignoring it.

We chatted about our respective occupations and degrees (he has a law degree, but gave it up to be a firey) and after touching on a few other topics, he bought up books again. I wasn’t complaining – I love books! We talked about the last books we’d read. His was a true crime, so I told him about a new non-fiction book that’s coming out about the last woman hanged in Australia that was a catalyst for changing a lot of the laws surrounding women’s rights to vote and serve on juries, etc (I figured I’d chuck in the law element, thinking that, since he’d done a law degree, it might be up his alley), and a fiction book-movie tie-in coming out about a father who goes to Gallipoli to look for the bodies of his dead sons, based on one line in a real letter a soldier wrote home (the movie stars Russell Crowe).

He laughed (well, “lol”ed) and said, “So, books are a passion for you, hey?”

“Yeah, just a little bit 😛 ,” I replied. He asked if I liked to read as a child (hell, yes) and if I’d read 50 Shades (hell, no).

Then he asked if I was chatting to other guys. Hmmm… This question is a bit of a doozy. Most guys want to believe that they have your undivided attention. At that moment, I was chatting to another guy as well as browsing Facebook. I didn’t think I’d confess. Instead, I side-stepped the question, saying truthfully, “I haven’t been on much in the last few months, but in the last few days I seem to be inundated 😉 “.

“Cool,” he replied.

I should have left it there, but I added, “I’m not really fussed.” What I meant was, I’ve chatted to so many men, and there are always more online, so I really don’t get that excited about new contacts. If the chatting stage goes well, great!, but I’m not going to lose sleep over how many people I’m chatting to.

Then Sparky came out with something I still don’t know how he came up with: “hmm not being a dick but are you autistic? Just seems you are more interested in a book than talking to anyone.”

WHAAAA?!?! I nearly spat my tea all over my computer. I replied, “lol no, definitely not autistic.”

What I was thinking was:

1) WE are talking. You presume I’m not chatting to anyone else?

2) YOU bought up the topic of books in the first place.

3) Yes, I am interested in books. You think this makes me autistic? HOW do you reach that conclusion?

4) We have been chatting for all of two nights. You think you know what I’m “more interested” in? In the words of Elizabeth Bennett: Insufferable presumption!

5) Anytime you start a sentence with “Not being a dick…”, whatever you say next will make you a dick. (Similar to: “Not being racist, but…” ; “Not to offend, but….” ; “Not to gossip, but did you hear about Suzy?”) The solution? The instant those words enter your head, stop and either keep the thought to yourself or find a way to reword it so you genuinely are not what you are claiming you are not if you really are trying not to be that. (Did that make sense to you? I hope so. I know I’m rambling a bit here).

I went on, “That’s a really bad assumption to make after only chatting for two nights.”

He replied, “No it’s not. I know a few autistic children.”

Again, tea almost sprayed across the room. It was getting worse and worse! He knows a few children on the spectrum, so he thinks someone he has had limited conversations with and has never met may be on the spectrum, too? Not only is he making assumptions about me, he’s also making assumptions about autism and how it presents.

“Autistic children aren’t all like rain man,” he went on with authority. Ya think, Sherlock? For F*’s sake! I was nearly speechless. He’s assuming I don’t know anything about autism? He knows a few kids and now he’s an expert?

After a bit more frustrating back and forth where he insisted he didn’t make any assumptions and was merely asking a question, and then questioned me when I said I’d also had experience with children on the spectrum through my own work (which I’d told him a little, albeit not much, about), since I’m a [fill in the blank with an occupation which may have experience with children on the autism spectrum -due to privacy, I’m not going to say what I do on this blog]. What he actually replied was, “No you’re not a [blank]. You have a [blank] degree. Just like I have a law degree but I’m not a lawyer.”

Wow. Do you think he could insult me any more? Now he knows exactly how much I use my degree and how it relates to my work?

He ALMOST let it go and moved on, and at this stage I was too annoyed, hurt, and utterly gobsmacked that he was being such a dick. I said I was going to bed. He said, “Night,” and then this message popped up in the chat screen (it’s an automatically-generated message from the site):

“Sparky has removed you from their contacts. You can no longer send any messages to this member.”

Yep, he’d deleted me. I saw it coming.

Now, how could we have avoided going down in flames like that?

For one thing, he could just have kept the thought to himself and if he had a suspicion I was autistic, then continuing the conversation and (since he’s such an expert in autism (ha!)), a few carefully worded questions would have helped him sus me out without asking outright.

Failing that, he could have worded his initial question differently. Instead of leading with “Not being a dick…”, an honest, “Can I ask you a weird question…” would have gone down a little better and instead of going on and on and on, after my initial answer, “no,” he could have said something along the lines of, “oh, sorry. My bad.”

If he had to go and be a dick, the least he could do was realise we were in an argument and stop and apologise for being a dick (something like, “Ok, ok, stop. I’m really sorry. I’m a dick. I’m sorry. New topic?” and I would likely have said, “It’s ok. Sorry I jumped down your throat.”)

On the other hand, when he said, “Not being a dick but are you autistic?” I should have replied, “Not being a bitch, but are you a dick?”

Now, excuse me. I’m going to read a book, which is infinitely more interesting than talking to dicks.