The Soundtrack of C

At the start
You make me smile – Blue October
Dancing away with my heart, Just a kiss – Lady Antebellum
Superhuman – Chris Brown (How I wanted to make him feel – I’d wake up with this from my dreams)
Issues – Julia Michaels
Hands to myself – Selena Gomez

What I hoped for (when it looked like it might be over)
Say you won’t let go – James Arthur
Tell me what you dream – Gabrielle
Blue eyes – Cary Brothers
By your side – Sade

When it was over
Simple together – Alanis Morisette
What hurts the most – Rascall Flatts (Cascada; Yanou’s candlelight remix)
Dancing on my own – Calum Scott

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My love life as a movie

I’m Notting Hill… If it ends after William Thacker says “No” to the “I’m just a girl” speech.

I’m Pride and Prejudice… If Darcy and Bingly never return to Netherfield Park.

I’m How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days… If Benjamin Barry doesn’t give a sh** after reading Andie’s article (or if he never reads it at all).

Please tell me I’m right…

I keep repeating to myself:
Stop going over all the ways you would have been perfect together.

I want to remind him of the amazing times and connection we shared and the way he said he felt. I want to tell him about the future I saw for us.

But if it was right, then he would already be thinking about those things. Right?

If he can’t remember those things or see that future for himself, then nothing I say will make any difference.

Right?

Simple Together

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post – demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
‘Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god’s face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

Alanis Morissette

This song sums up the end of my relationships, the end of hope and dreams, the end of the joy of possibilities.

In one of my last dates with C, I told him about a picture book I’d seen where these two kids are talking about who they want to meet – someone to have adventures with, talk with, be funny with, and they are basically talking about each other (can’t think of the book off the top of my head…).

A theory… And why to be kind to those unlucky in love

I have a theory that the beginning of a pregnancy and the beginning of a relationship are similar, especially for those who have had difficulty in the past.

Both are [usually] wished for. When it starts, you are slightly surprised, delighted and trepidatious.
You don’t tell many people at first – it’s early days and you’re realistic about what can go wrong.
As it develops, you start to hope and dream about what the future may be.
The first tiny seeds of love are planted.
It doesn’t take long before the delight and hope and dreams increase.

And then, often without warning and not too far into it, it ends.

You experience shock, disbelief, devastation.
You go over and over the “what if’s”, “what did I do wrong?”, “What happened?”

You feel pain and loss and grief. What gave you joy is taken away, and the hope and dreams die. It HURTS!

Eventually, you do move on. You stop obsessing over what happened and what could have been. In a relationship breakdown, you forgive yourself and/or the other person. Life moves on.

And then it happens again.

And again.

And again.

I read an article on grief a while ago and one of the most poignant comments was that grief accumulates. Even if you have processed the grief and “gotten over” one event that caused grief, the next similar event is going to bring up the old grief again.

The pain of your third miscarriage compounds on the pain of the first two, even if the incident, in and of itself, is no different. But life events don’t happen in isolation and your past experiences make it different.

I believe this is the same regarding relationship breakdowns, and I would say that the older you get and the more of these breakdowns you experience, you’re contending with not only the accumulating grief, but also the feeling of “time running out”. How many chances do you get at love, anyway?

Before I get ripped apart about how a miscarriage and a breakup are not the same, I’m going to say that I agree. I’m not saying they are the same, I’m saying the process of hope and loss is comparable.

Is the loss experienced in a miscarriage greater? That’s highly likely and I by no means mean to diminish the devastation of miscarriage. (I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, but I’ve had several friends go through this.)

I HAVE had MANY relationship breakdowns, though. [Do I get too attached too soon? Hell, yes, I do. I know it. I try to quash it because it leaves me open to hurt, but it’s who I am.]

Not everyone knows what it’s like to have something – anything – end over and over and over and over again.

After my latest breakdown, a friend who meant well said something along the lines of “Get out of the negativity and move on”.

I wonder if she would have said the same thing if I’d just experienced my 5th miscarriage or other loss….

I WILL get over this relationship and I know it’s not the total end of the world. But it still hurts.

Be kind to people unlucky in love.

WHY WHY WHY do I look up exes?

I’m going through crap with A, and this must not be enough crap for me, because I decided to look up J – ‘Sometimes deletion is required‘ was one of my last posts about him.

All I can say is – I told you so!
He’s back with the “ex” he couldn’t stop talking about and they have a baby.

I KNEW that would happen! It sucks big fat hairy sweaty gangrenous balls to be precognitive.

Of course, if this was the Matrix, you could ask – did he go back to her because I didn’t stick with it through the hot and cold, or did I do the right thing and got out when I saw the signs?