Scientific Facts About Cheaters

Here are some facts from “Science” about cheaters:

1) Cheaters are more likely to get a broken penis.

2) They take their “secret” dates to greasy chain restaurants. (Actually, I don’t know if they are greasy, since we don’t have the ones mentioned in Australia, or at least none I’ve been to).

3) I know from experience that there are A LOT of cheaters online, but online cheaters are actually more likely to be female, and around 40% of users are married (and I know that while a lot of them lie, some are completely honest about it).

4) Cheaters tweet a lot.

5) They are not necessarily in an unhappy relationship (they are just assholes).

6) Their ring fingers are longer than their middle fingers (just one more reason to look at a guy’s hands on the first date – check the length as well as for ring lines…)

See?
Entirely scientific!

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A Bit of Light Relief

Here are some cartoons about dating from one of my favourite cartoons, Savage Chickens.
We all need a little giggle at this strange strange world of dating…

http://www.savagechickens.com/tag/dating

This is one of my favourites 🙂

Ghosting

The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.

“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.

The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.

Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.

From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.

I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.

How about you?

Reason To Stay Together: In Order To Have A Back Scratcher

According to this little [non-scientific] article, back-scratchers tend to stay together longer.
This trait may not be up there with kindness and generosity, but I find it cute. I imagine if a guy didn’t say anything during an argument but just started scratching my back, I’d forget what I was mad about 😛

The Two Most Essential Traits In A Relationship

According to a Business Insider article, successful relationships hinge on just two traits – kindness and generosity (including generosity with your time and emotions).

While the divorce rate may be 1 in 3, according to the article only 3 in 10 relationships are happy and healthy. That is, even if they don’t get divorced, many couples are in unhealthy relationships.
In various studies, researchers discovered that couples could be divided into two groups – masters and disasters. The masters where in healthy relationships; the disasters were not. Interestingly, the researcher found that the couples displayed different physiological states when together in the research environment.

The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast….The more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time…The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships…Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other.

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought.

In another study, the researcher found that another critical trait of successful couples was how they responded to each other. The researcher explains that one will seek a connection from their partner in what he termed a ‘bid’. How the partner responded to that ‘bid’ – either by responding and connecting, or dismissing it and turning away – was essential for long-term health. He explains:

Say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird. The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband.

**I would emphasise that it goes both ways – the husband has to “turn towards” his wife in the same way when she makes a “bid”.

Basically, masters bring a healthy habit of mind to the relationship – they are looking for things to appreciate, rather than things to criticise. Treating your partner with contempt is a death sentence to the relationship.
On the other hand, kindness and generosity of spirit acts like glue.

The article goes on to elaborate how people can demonstrate kindness and generosity and the difference between masters and disasters. The article is quite long, but well worth the read if you are looking to deeper your connection with your partner. Changing your attitude can change everything.

A Girl Crush

Apparently this song is copping some flak because people think it’s about lesbians (and really, so what if it is?) and it’s being pulled from radio stations. Idiots. It is about the universal feelings of jealously, and obsession, and that torturous merry-go-round your mind goes through when you think about your ex and the girl he is now with. People may be getting confused because of the line ‘I wanna taste her lips’, but listen to the rest of the line and you hear ’cause they taste like you’. The song doesn’t actually assign gender pronouns to the ex, simply referring to them as ‘you’.

I love this song. It is a deeply soulful, yearning ballad, and I sure know what it’s like to be a little obsessed in my thinking when it comes to my ex’s new girl. What does she have that I didn’t? Why is she in your sheets instead of me? If I had her hair or her touch would it be me that you want? I know the feeling of wishing I was her. I personally wouldn’t use the word “crush” to describe my feelings towards her, but, hey, music takes poetic licence with words and that’s one of the reasons why the genre is so powerful, and the word isn’t completely inaccurate.

If people wanted to get bent out of shape because of a song about lesbians, there are plenty of others. Katy Perry’s “I kissed a girl” is the first one that comes to mind. And how about pulling songs off the radio about rape and degrading women instead?

What do you think?

Being An Over-Thinker

So, I mentioned in my last post that I’m an over-thinker, which you probably gathered if you’ve read any of my other posts.
A friend posted this link [14 things only over-thinkers will understand] on Facebook the other day, and I got to #2 and went TRUTH!

Some of these apply more to me than others. For example:

#6 is not so true for me… Online dating and being deleted left right and centre will cure your need to over-think a deletion (except in very special cases).

#10 – SO OBVIOUSLY ME! It’s like my brain is writing a choose-your-own adventure.

How about you? Are you an over-thinker? Do you think you’re dating an over-thinking and would like some insight? Leave a comment!