I have a theory that the beginning of a pregnancy and the beginning of a relationship are similar, especially for those who have had difficulty in the past.
Both are [usually] wished for. When it starts, you are slightly surprised, delighted and trepidatious.
You don’t tell many people at first – it’s early days and you’re realistic about what can go wrong.
As it develops, you start to hope and dream about what the future may be.
The first tiny seeds of love are planted.
It doesn’t take long before the delight and hope and dreams increase.
And then, often without warning and not too far into it, it ends.
You experience shock, disbelief, devastation.
You go over and over the “what if’s”, “what did I do wrong?”, “What happened?”
You feel pain and loss and grief. What gave you joy is taken away, and the hope and dreams die. It HURTS!
Eventually, you do move on. You stop obsessing over what happened and what could have been. In a relationship breakdown, you forgive yourself and/or the other person. Life moves on.
And then it happens again.
I read an article on grief a while ago and one of the most poignant comments was that grief accumulates. Even if you have processed the grief and “gotten over” one event that caused grief, the next similar event is going to bring up the old grief again.
The pain of your third miscarriage compounds on the pain of the first two, even if the incident, in and of itself, is no different. But life events don’t happen in isolation and your past experiences make it different.
I believe this is the same regarding relationship breakdowns, and I would say that the older you get and the more of these breakdowns you experience, you’re contending with not only the accumulating grief, but also the feeling of “time running out”. How many chances do you get at love, anyway?
Before I get ripped apart about how a miscarriage and a breakup are not the same, I’m going to say that I agree. I’m not saying they are the same, I’m saying the process of hope and loss is comparable.
Is the loss experienced in a miscarriage greater? That’s highly likely and I by no means mean to diminish the devastation of miscarriage. (I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, but I’ve had several friends go through this.)
I HAVE had MANY relationship breakdowns, though. [Do I get too attached too soon? Hell, yes, I do. I know it. I try to quash it because it leaves me open to hurt, but it’s who I am.]
Not everyone knows what it’s like to have something – anything – end over and over and over and over again.
After my latest breakdown, a friend who meant well said something along the lines of “Get out of the negativity and move on”.
I wonder if she would have said the same thing if I’d just experienced my 5th miscarriage or other loss….
I WILL get over this relationship and I know it’s not the total end of the world. But it still hurts.
Be kind to people unlucky in love.