Please tell me I’m right…

I keep repeating to myself:
Stop going over all the ways you would have been perfect together.

I want to remind him of the amazing times and connection we shared and the way he said he felt. I want to tell him about the future I saw for us.

But if it was right, then he would already be thinking about those things. Right?

If he can’t remember those things or see that future for himself, then nothing I say will make any difference.



Simple Together

You’ve been my golden best friend
Now with post – demise at hand
Can’t go to you for consolation
‘Cause we’re off limits during this transition

This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things

I thought we’d be simple together
I thought we’d be happy together
Thought we’d be limitless together
I thought we’d be precious together
But I was sadly mistaken

You’ve been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew god’s face was handsome
With you I suffered an expansion

This loss is numbing me
It pierces my chest
And I can’t stop dropping everything

I thought we’d be sexy together
Thought we’d be evolving together
I thought we’d have children together
I thought we’d be family together
But I was sadly mistaken

If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we’d be genius together
I thought we’d be healing together
I thought we’d be growing together
Thought we’d be adventurous together
But I was sadly mistaken

Thought we’d be exploring together
Thought we’d be inspired together
I thought we’d be flying together
Thought we’d be on fire together
But I was sadly mistaken

Alanis Morissette

This song sums up the end of my relationships, the end of hope and dreams, the end of the joy of possibilities.

In one of my last dates with C, I told him about a picture book I’d seen where these two kids are talking about who they want to meet – someone to have adventures with, talk with, be funny with, and they are basically talking about each other (can’t think of the book off the top of my head…).

A theory… And why to be kind to those unlucky in love

I have a theory that the beginning of a pregnancy and the beginning of a relationship are similar, especially for those who have had difficulty in the past.

Both are [usually] wished for. When it starts, you are slightly surprised, delighted and trepidatious.
You don’t tell many people at first – it’s early days and you’re realistic about what can go wrong.
As it develops, you start to hope and dream about what the future may be.
The first tiny seeds of love are planted.
It doesn’t take long before the delight and hope and dreams increase.

And then, often without warning and not too far into it, it ends.

You experience shock, disbelief, devastation.
You go over and over the “what if’s”, “what did I do wrong?”, “What happened?”

You feel pain and loss and grief. What gave you joy is taken away, and the hope and dreams die. It HURTS!

Eventually, you do move on. You stop obsessing over what happened and what could have been. In a relationship breakdown, you forgive yourself and/or the other person. Life moves on.

And then it happens again.

And again.

And again.

I read an article on grief a while ago and one of the most poignant comments was that grief accumulates. Even if you have processed the grief and “gotten over” one event that caused grief, the next similar event is going to bring up the old grief again.

The pain of your third miscarriage compounds on the pain of the first two, even if the incident, in and of itself, is no different. But life events don’t happen in isolation and your past experiences make it different.

I believe this is the same regarding relationship breakdowns, and I would say that the older you get and the more of these breakdowns you experience, you’re contending with not only the accumulating grief, but also the feeling of “time running out”. How many chances do you get at love, anyway?

Before I get ripped apart about how a miscarriage and a breakup are not the same, I’m going to say that I agree. I’m not saying they are the same, I’m saying the process of hope and loss is comparable.

Is the loss experienced in a miscarriage greater? That’s highly likely and I by no means mean to diminish the devastation of miscarriage. (I have never experienced a miscarriage myself, but I’ve had several friends go through this.)

I HAVE had MANY relationship breakdowns, though. [Do I get too attached too soon? Hell, yes, I do. I know it. I try to quash it because it leaves me open to hurt, but it’s who I am.]

Not everyone knows what it’s like to have something – anything – end over and over and over and over again.

After my latest breakdown, a friend who meant well said something along the lines of “Get out of the negativity and move on”.

I wonder if she would have said the same thing if I’d just experienced my 5th miscarriage or other loss….

I WILL get over this relationship and I know it’s not the total end of the world. But it still hurts.

Be kind to people unlucky in love.

Bitch FM – Music To Get Over That Asshole

After bawling your eyes out to Sad FM, you are now ready for Bitch FM.

When you get over the initial knife-to-the-heart feeling and reality starts to set back in, Bitch FM is there for you to regain your power. We will not be defeated by bad men and stick insects (of whatever nationality).

So, in no particular order (although my favourites are closer to the top), I give you Bitch FM.

Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood

Bitch – Stephen Lynch

Narcissus – Alanis Morissette

Beware Of The Dog – Jamelia

Hit Me With Your Best Shot – Pat Benatar

What About Me – Cascada

U + Ur Hand – P!nk

Heartbreak Down [Explicit Version] – P!nk

How Come You’re Not Here? – P!nk

Blow me (one last kiss) – P!nk

F*ckin Perfect – P!nk

Titanium – David Guetta (feat. Sia)

Bulletproof – La Roux

Fighter – Christina Aguilera

Bust Your Windows – Glee Cast

Survivor / I Will Survive – Glee Cast

Gives You Hell – Glee Cast

Shake It Out – Florence + The Machine

I’m Not Calling You A Liar – Florence + The Machine

Outta My Head – Leona Lewis

Holding Out For A Hero – (I like the Shrek version with Jennifer Saunders)

You Thought Wrong – Kelly Clarkson (feat. Tamyra Gray)

Poison – Alice Cooper

Lying – Amy Meredith

Karma (Reggaeton Remix) – Alicia Keys

Straitjacket – Alanis Morissette

Right Through You – Alanis Morissette

Precious Illusions – Alanis Morissette

Give a little respect – Erasure

Respect – Aretha Franklin

Think – Aretha Franklin

Irreplaceable – Beyoncé

Best Thing I Never Had – Beyoncé

Single Ladies – Beyoncé

Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

I’m Not Missing You – Stacie Orrico

Song For the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

When The Going Gets Tough – Billy Ocean

You Give Love A Bad Name – Bon Jovi

It ‘s My Life – Bon Jovi

Better Than Revenge – Taylor Swift

Life’s A Bitch – Shooter

Go to Hell – Milk Inc

Bitch – Meredith Brooks

I’m Every Woman – Chaka Khan

Independent Women – Destiny’s Child

Hunter – Dido

According To You – Orianthi

This Is Who I Am – Vanessa Amorosi

Predictable – Delta Goodrem

F.U. Right Back (Explicit) – Frankee

Hot N Cold (Jason Nevins Remix) – Katy Perry

Chewing Gum – Annie

B.I.T.C.H – Jamelia


The New York Times recently ran an article about “ghosting” in a relationship – aka rather than having a closing conversation, one person “ghosts” the other, simply fading away and ignoring any contact by the other party.

“Ghosting” is the same idea as “if he’s not calling/texing, he’s just not into you,” which I hate. I think it’s a pathetic excuse for men to act like assholes.

The NYT also ran a follow-up article of responses to the first. It was interesting to read a response from someone who described a friend – not a partner – doing the fade.

Personally, I think if you’ve passed the 3-to-5-date mark, SOME sort of closure is required. Even when I meet someone online and we have a first “meeting” in real life (doesn’t even have to be a date), I think a simple, “Thanks for meeting. I don’t think we have much in common. I wish you all the best,” or some such afterwards is just plain polite, although it’s not always 100% necessary, and “ghosting” isn’t so bad after just one meeting – sometimes they just naturally fade out of your memory and you simply forget to send a closing message.

From the responses in the NYT article, I do agree that in a few circumstances ghosting is necessary. If someone isn’t getting the hint that things are over and continues contact, especially toxic contact, then ignoring them is the best policy, but that is only after you’ve had the “It’s over” conversation and left them in no doubt you don’t want further contact. It’s just cruel to leave someone with hope if there isn’t any.

I would much rather have a guy tell me why he was ending it, especially when it comes out of nowhere (D, I’m talking to you). I would much rather a guy break up with me by telling me, “I think you’re a boring bitch. You farted in your sleep and I never want to see you again”. It would hurt, sure, but most break-ups hurt. At least this way I’d be clear on where we both stand, and I’d be able to accept it and move on much easier than if I were left over-thinking things and trying to figure out what went wrong.

How about you?