I may have jumped the gun and been a little too optimistic in a previous post. When I wrote about The Soundtrack of J, I said I was free of the tunnel of crap, but the reality of not being free of it all was made abundantly clear tonight.
I was, until a few minutes ago, still friends with him on Facebook, and we’ve exchanged a couple of messages since our last awkward conversation. The hopeful romantic in me just couldn’t let me burn the bridge by cutting him out of my life. So what I get for that is a little jolt of electricity going from my heart to my gut when I see that his ex has tagged a picture of herself and J dressed up to go to a party (as you may know, when someone tags you in a picture, the picture appears on your wall, which then shows up in your friends’ news feeds).
You may recall that in my Rollercoaster with J, his ex was a bit of an issue for me, even though from everything he said there was no chance that the reasons they broke up would change. But it seemed like they still saw each other at least semi regularly, and she ‘liked’ and commented on his Facebook frequently. Yes, they may be that rare breed of ex that can maintain a platonic friendship after breaking up, but the cynic in me, the doubts, will not be appeased.
And when I saw the picture of them, I realised that while I may have moved on, and I long ago stopped believing there would ever be anything between us, there is something in me that still reacts to him.
So I decided to go the self-preservation route, feeding the jaded cynic rather than the hopeful romantic. It took a deep breath, but I have deleted him from my Facebook so that I will never again be casually scrolling through my Facebook homepage and be confronted by the image of someone I had strong (and complicated) feelings for looking so happy with his ex on his arm.
The day after writing the above, and after a month of not hearing from him, J sent me a message today asking me how I am and what I’m doing. I replied, but of course nothing has come of it. A very weird coincidence of timing, and a reminder that I’m looking for someone with follow-up and throw-down.